Queer Eye for the Transgenic Guy
by CJtheCregg
Summary: Once upon a time, a bored girl crossed Queer Eye with Dark Angel. It's been done before... but this time it's just done for senseless, mindless humor. This is an old fic, writtena bout 3 years ago Read! Enjoy! Laugh!


_A long long time ago, I wrote some tragic Dark Angel fics. Most of them are here, under my penname, Jacey925.  
Damage Control – which actually became quite popular, got deleted, but I reloaded it a few months ago…_

_This is another one of the tragic attempts at humor…. I think I tended to be better at dark and gloomy fics. Anyway, I wrote this about 3 or 4 years ago. I hope you enjoy it. It's just over the top funniness, queer eye style ;)_

_Jacey_

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**Queer Eye For The Transgenic Guy**

'Kyan!' Thom shrieked, 'Have you SEEN the state of this… this… can I call this a bathroom?'

Kyan stuck his head around the corner of the bathroom door, 'Oh good lord.' He said, covering his eyes with his hands, 'This is a disaster area. We might have to call in construction men with one of those big smashing ball things….'

'Did someone say construction men?' Jai said, with a strange twinkle in his eyes, as he marched towards the room that two of the five guys were hanging out in, dragging their new subject behind him. 'Cause I could go for some of that lean, sweaty muscle…..'

Thom sighed, glared at what he could see of his reflection in the grimy mirror, and pouted, 'This room is just…. stupid.' He announced.

Jai pushed their victim forward into the room. 'Guys!' he whined, 'Zackie won't play nice!'

Zack turned and glared at him. 'Do. NOT. Call me Zackie.'

Jai rolled his eyes, 'Oh please, that macho image, is just a smoke screen for your inner gayness.'

'I'm not gay.' Zack replied, his fists balling at his sides.

'Yeah, we all said that once.' Carson said, walking up to the doorway. 'Have you SEEN this man's wardrobe!' he asked, waving two fistfuls of crumpled up, dusty shirts. 'Not only does he have no taste, but he needs to learn some serious hygiene tips.'

Kyan, who was sulking from his corner of the bathroom (while trying desperately not to come into contact with any of the surfaces), pouted, and sighed. 'I'm sorry, have you SEEN this room? It's like germ central.'

A voice from the kitchen sounded, 'Then you obviously haven't been in here yet.'

The group of four gay men took off in the direction of Ted's voice, dragging a protesting Zack behind them.

'There's nothing in here!' Ted announced, throwing an empty pop tarts box onto the floor. There's two slabs of beer – cheap beer might I add…' he trailed off, as he turned to Zack. 'Zack my man, life is too short to drink cheap booze.'

'I like it.' Zack grunted.

Ted gave him a look, that could only be described as menacing – at which Zack surprisingly shrunk back, and continued. 'We have a jar of chillis. And a bottle of vodka….. he trailed off again, as he spotted something in the far corners of the pantry. 'Ohhhhhh tacos!'

Every other man in the room, looked at each other, and raised an eyebrow in Ted's direction.

A blushing Ted, glanced at them, stood up and shrugged, 'So… anyway…'

Jai shook his head. 'Tacos? I thought you had more style than that Ted.' He turned to Zack, 'Now, remember, when making an entrance, ALWAYS remember three things.' He said, holding up three fingers. 'One,' he shouted, pointing to the first finger. 'Face. Two,' Jai shrieked, at a trembling Zack, 'Attitude! And YOU! I do NOT like your attitude!'

'Ahhh..' mumbled Zack, as he shrank back against Kyan, who was leaning against the wall with an amused look on his face – which promptly lit up, when Zack hit him, 'Ohhhh transgenic bootie.'

'THREE!' Jai bellowed, 'DRAMA! Not TACOS! Taco's do not matter in this world! We are a taco-free world!' he glared down at the puddle of Zack on the floor. 'Do I make myself clear soldiar?'

'Sir! Yes sir!' Zack replied in a brisk monotone.

'Goodie.' Jai said, his face breaking out into a cheerful smile. 'That was fun… can I do it again?' he asked Carson.

'No sweetie, we need the yummy victim to be upright when we dress him…….' Carson replied, running his eyes over Zack's body, as Ted and Kyan helped him up from the floor.

"Or at least conscious," Thom said, with a wicked grin

'OK!' Carson announced cheerily, 'Time to get this show on the road. Ahhh guys?' he asked, looking over to where the group had gathered around a shell shocked looking Zack, and Jai on the floor.

'Jai?'

'I just broke the wall…. And I don't think it matters.' Jai said, looking at the large, Jai shaped hole in the wall. 'Opps.'

"You saved me the trouble. And the budget," Thom said, inspecting the hole.

Suddenly the fab five (and the yummy victim) all spun around, as they heard a defiantly female voice, call out from the direction, of what they thought might be the front door (the holes and dusty grime confused them somewhat).

'Zack baby? You home?' the voice called out.

'Ohhhh the girlfriend.' Carson said gleefully. 'Maybe we can get some details out of her. 'We're in here sugar!' he called out.

Footsteps were heard, and a tall slim woman, with long brown hair, appeared in the doorway. She was adorned in a short leather skirt, a red silk halter neck top and black boots, that Carson just knew were Italian leather.

'Hello boys.' She purred, as she ran her eyes up and down the body of each man, before settling on Zack. 'New play things Zackie?'

Carson raised an eyebrow at her, and smirked 'Perhaps… depending on what you have to offer.'

'Jondy.' She said, holding out a hand.

Jai slid down onto one knee, took her hand, and kissed it. 'Pleased to make your acquaintance… Jondy.'

'Ohhh manners. Can I keep you?' Jondy asked, running her tongue over her lips.

'Honey, as tempting as that offer is….' Jai said, trailing off.

'Our attention belongs to the….. more masculine sex.' Kyan said, finishing Jai's sentence.

'I don't have a problem with that…' Jondy said, running a hand up Kyan's chest. 'Ever had a….' she paused and gazed around… 'manage a sept?'

Zack looked up, 'Ahhh…. Dee? Can I talk to you… outside? Please?'

"You know, she's cute," Carson said, as Jondy was dragged from the room by Zack.

"You should just design the apartment around those boots... can I take her to the mall? She might attract some cute boys."

'Take her.' Jai muttered, with a slightly shocked expression still on his face. 'She might have some decent idea's as well… did you see those legs? Made to dance.'

'That comment would have worried me, if you hadn't added the dancing part Jai.' Kyan said, form where he was standing in the bathroom doorway again. He shook his head.

'If you can actually carve your name in the bottom of your bath tub, you probably need to clean it. This is disgusting.'

"If I had a partner that looked as good as she does, I wouldn't use the bath either," Carson said breezily. "More room to move in the shower."

'I find it disturbing that you know that, let alone that you're sharing it on national television.' Jai said, as Jondy and Zack re-entered the room.

'Oh come on!' Jondy exclaimed, 'Everyone know that the best sex involves water!'

Thom looked around nervously, 'Could we get kicked off the network for this?'

Carson patted him on the butt. 'Don't be such a worrier sweetie. To the shops!' he announced, dragging Zack by one hand, and Jondy by the other. 'Were you planning on coming with, Kyan? Or are you just going to stand there and stare at my ass?'

'You are so full of yourself,' Kyan muttered, as he followed them out the door. 'And how come she gets to come with us? None of the other girlfriends ever get to!'

Carson shook his head, 'You silly, deluded man. Have you not seen her boots? This girl has style! We need her!'

"You know, I might just make my mama proud and kiss her," Thom muttered under his breathe before turning to look at the apartment. "Oh my god."

'So, we've got the stripes, or the checks, or the polka dots, or the…….'

'SHUT UP!' Zack exploded. 'I don't care! I hate shopping!'

'Well deal.' Carson snapped, in a very un-Carson like fashion.

Kyan looked over at him, from where he was sorting through a rack of jeans. 'You okay Carson?'

'Yes.' Carson replied, glaring at Zack. 'He's just a little more difficult than I expected. Where's Jondy? Maybe she can control him.'

'Here!' came a voice from under a pile of shoes.

'Oh god…' murmured Kyan. 'This is why we don't bring females with us….'

Jondy pouted and smiled sweetly, 'Well it's not my fault you guys chose a store that has a woman's shoe department…. Look at all the leather!'

'Sweetie,' Carson said mockingly, 'That pair is vinyl….'

'I knew that.' Jondy snapped in reply, 'But LOOK at this pair!' she said, waving a pair of boots in Carson's direction.

His eyes lit up and before anyone could say 'Hot Gay Man', he was on the other side of the room, holding the boots to his chest. 'My babies! Papa's home, don't you worry!'

Jondy glared at him, and grabbed at the boots. 'I found them first!'

'Nuh uh!'

'Yuh HUH!' Jondy said, stomping her foot. 'They aren't even your size!'

'I could make them fit.' Carson insisted, quizzically studying the boots. 'I'm sure I could.'

Kyan, who had been trying to get Zack into a changing room, sighed and came over towards the two who were fighting over a pair of woman's boots. 'Sweetie,' he said, putting his arm around Carson's shoulders, 'Your feet are too big for those boots…' and then he winked, 'But you know what they say about men with big feet….'

Carson grinned, 'Damn straight sista!'

Kyan shook his head, 'Never ever try to be black again.'

'Okay.' Carson replied sheepishly 'Ixnay on the lackbay.'

'Give me the boots.' Jondy said, still glaring at him.

Carson sighed, but decided that it was probably a good idea to hand them over, and get back to dressing Zack. 'Here.'

Half an hour later, Jondy was sitting, collapsed against the wall, clutching two pairs of boots to her, and glaring at the shop assistants, who were reluctantly clearing away the piles of abandoned shoes.

Kyan, was sitting beside her, holding an icepack to his eye, where Zack had punched him 15 minutes earlier, for telling him that the pinstriped shirt, brought out the colour in his eyes.

Carson however, refused to give up. He was standing, a safe distance away from Zack, holding out a pile of shirts and a pair of jeans for him to try on.

'Come on Zack! It isn't going to kill you to look half decent when you go out in public!' Carson said, glaring at the man, who by this point was getting on his nerves so much, that he wasn't even considering his as jumpable material.

Zack growled at Carson, and snatched the shirts off him.

'Careful! That's silk, and it doesn't…………….. matter how you treat it.' Carson finished off, as he saw the threatening look on Zack's face, and the warning look on Kyan's.

'And I really don't want to get punched like Kyan.' Carson muttered as Zack slammed the changing room door.

'Is it wrong that I really REALLY want to break something?' Thom said to Jai, as he looked suspiciously at the room, that perhaps might have been a lounge, but no one was completely sure.

'Only if you don't show me where to find a sledge hammer.' Jai replied.

'Here.' Ted said, walking out of the kitchen holding three sledge hammers. 'I found them in the fridge…. Which is still confusing me. But then everything in this…. dive, confuses me.'

'It has potential.' Thom said weakly.

'Oh really?' Jai replied. 'You actually believe that?'

'Well no….' Thom admitted, 'But way with the keeping the viewers happy… I'm sure there must be something we can do….'

'Bulldoze it?' Ted suggested.

'Or burn it.' Thom said, eyeing the large container of meths in the corner. 'Or not.' He said, when the camera man cleared his throat.

'OK.' Stated Thom. 'We should start. Really.' He said, trying to convince himself, that there was something they could do.'

'Ohhhhhh!' squealed Jai, who had been looking through paint samples. 'I found it!'

Thom and Ted rushed over to Jai, and grabbed at the piece of cardboard that Jai was holding. 'Which one!' Thom said excitedly.

'This one!' Jai said pointing.

'Oh. God.' Ted said, groaning in dismay. 'And they say that gay men have taste.'

'It's tasteful!' Thom said, defending Jai's choice of colour.

'Yeah, to Barbie!' Ted retaliated.

'And…….' Thom frowned, trying to come up with a hopefully witty answer. Finding nothing, he sighed, 'Well I heard that Ken dumped Barbie for GI Joe… maybe they're into pink….'

'Uh huh.' Jai said, nodding enthusiastically.

'So Zack, what about this chair?' Carson said, trying to sound enthusiastic, as he gestured to a chair, while attempting to hold a gauze pad to the profusely bleeding wound on his temple.

Zack growled, baring his teeth.

'Whoa! Down boy!' Kyan said from where he was sheltering behind Carson.

'First rule of the Fab Five sweetie,' Carson said, glaring at Kyan, 'Don't aggravate the victim. Especially when they're as vicious as this one.'

'Shall we move onto floor rugs then?' Carson said, turning his attention back to Zack, who had pushed Jondy up against the wall, and was kissing her neck. 'Or we could leave you two alone?'

'So ah…. I'm just gonna go over here and look at this……' Carson said, looking desperately around the room, 'Exquisitely built 17th century teak chest with 7 stylized drawers with matching letter openers!' he said, squealing with delight. 'Kyan! I've always wanted one of these!

Kyan looked at him weirdly, and then sighed ,'uh huh?'

'I couldn't find one on eBay…' Carson mused. 'Why couldn't I find THIS on eBay!' he said, looking around for the shop assistant.

Just then, a shriek was heard form the other side of the room, and Carson and Kyan spun around, to fins a shop assistant staring at a half naked Zack and Jondy up against the wall.

'Oh. God.' Kyan said in horror.

Carson winced, and then moved to hide behind Kyan, as the assistant marched towards them, with a disgruntled look on his face. 'Carson!' he yelped. 'I thought I made myself clear last time. NO NAKED PEOPLE!'

'In no way is this a good move…' warned Ted.

'But it's so pretty!' Jai said, waving the paint loaded brush around the room, splattering Ted. 'Opps.'

Ted all but growled, as he wiped the paint off his glasses. 'It looks like candy floss.'

'But PRETTY candy floss…' Thom said, as he smoothly ran the roller down the wall. 'I'm sure that Zack will appreciate the time we put into choosing the right colour….'

'In what world have you been living for the past 6 hours?' Ted said, staring disdainfully at the pink coasted walls. 'It's PINK!'

'But a pretty pink….' Thom said weakly.

* * *

I'm going to have to apologise here. There's never going to be more of this fic. I'll never truly finish it.. unless someone bribes me with Dr McDreamy (Grey's Anatomy)…

I found this long lost fic in an old folder, and thought..w hy deprive people of Zack goodness, and The Queer Eye style:D

I hope you all enjoyed it for what it was – a piece of fluffed up junk.

Jacey


End file.
